Preparing to Say Goodbye

Preparing to say goodbye…

How do you prepare to say goodbye?  I didn’t know how to prepare to say goodbye last January when my grandmother passed and I don’t know how to prepare to say goodbye to my first foster child.  

My heart is hurting but I am also feeling grateful that she can return home.  I never thought I would feel such conflicting feelings about this little one returning home.  Thinking about saying goodbye has brought me back to the feelings of loss from the babies we lost over the last year and a half.  Although I never got to hold them, I carried them with me, even if it was a short time.  I still don’t feel whole, and don’t think I will until I meet them in heaven.  Now I think another little part of me will be broken and gone once again.  As I’ve thought and missed my precious babies we lost, I think it must feel overwhelmingly sad to loose your child under any circumstance, and maybe God is using my pain to feel compassion to others who are there as well.

I will always love this little one! I feel like I’ve healed by having my arms filled for those middle of the night feedings, those morning smiles and the joy that’s been brought to our lives.  God has spoken a lot of peace to me through the song “Thy Will” by Hillary Scott and the Scott Family.

I’m so confused

I know I heard you loud and clear

So, I followed through

Somehow I ended up here

I don’t wanna think

I may never understand

That my broken heart is a part of your plan

When I try to pray

All I got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

I know you’re good

But this don’t feel good right now

And I know you think

Of things I could never think about

It’s hard to count it all joy

Distracted by the noise

Just trying to make sense

Of all your promises

Sometimes I gotta stop

Remember that you’re God

And I am not


Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will

I know you see me

I know you hear me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Goodness you have in store

I know you hear me

I know you see me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Goodness you have in store


Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Like a child on my knees

All that comes to me is

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

I know you see me

I know you hear me, Lord
Our little one will be returning here soon, and my arms will suddenly feel very empty, my nights will feel quiet, and my car will feel a little more empty.  I don’t know how to prepare for this goodbye… But I think I understand now that my broken heart is apart of HIS plan.  


Some Days it Hurts…Most Days it Hurts

I felt like I had this whole thing figured out.  I knew what I signed up for, I knew how hard this would feel.  I thought I could do it, and most days I can, yesterday I couldn’t.  My heart felt like it was in a million pieces.


I did one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, I walked away from a screaming child who was calling me with outstretched arms as a caseworker took him back for a visit.  I waited until I was in the car and then cried like a baby.  I went back an hour later to find that same child who seemed a little different.  He was back to himself by the time we had a nap, but my heart was still hurting even though this little one seemed to feel better.


Yesterday I cried because I feel like this system is fighting for the wrong side, I cried because I feel like the people who are supposed to be on the child’s side are not, I cried because I fear I am going to lose these babies just like I lost the six I carried, I cried because I feel like God has abandoned me to handle this, I feel hurt that I wasn’t able to have my own children so I wouldn’t have to walk this path,  I cried because I love these children.  Yesterday was a HARD day, a day I told my husband I can’t do this, a day I thought I’ll just never be a mother.  


Well I got a good night sleep, a sweet “morning” when I went in to get the littles up, a big hug, kiss and a “love you”.  Those things melt my heart and help me get through this. In the light of morning, I know God is here, He usually feels far when He is working.  I know the system is broken and not fighting for the children, but in the light of day I know I will fight for them! I still fear the situations these children might return to. I don’t know if I’ll ever be a mother.  I don’t know if I can keep doing this but, I will try hard today to give these children the things they need for the time I have them.  


I know that I only have a little time with these children, but they will forever be mine.


Foster Care is HARD!  

The Hardest Job…

Foster Care

I don’t know how many times I’ve said it… “being a stepmom is the hardest job I’ll ever have”.  Well, I might have been wrong.  Being a foster Mom might be harder.

As a stepmom at least I know I will have these kids for the rest of my life.  As a foster Mom it is temporary. My stepkids have been loved, cared for and healthy for their whole lives.  I do believe that a divorce is a trauma for children, but they are loved and cared for non-the-less.

Being a stepmom is so hard, I have all the responsibilities of a Mom without being their Mom.  I know they love me, I am blessed that we have this kind of relationship, but I know I am 3rd in line.  That’s how it should be honestly.  It doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t hurt at times.

If you have read my blog before I have shared our infertility struggle. Foster care seemed like a logical next step for us, and God has really called us to do this.  Have you ever noticed that when God calls us to do something it usually isn’t easy?  This is no exception!

My heart hurts for these kids daily, I cry it seems like all the time.  To be honest my heart hurts for me as well.  The emotions I feel are often conflicting and confusing.  You want what is best for this kids and families, and ultimately I want what God’s will is for them.  It doesn’t mean that I have not attached to them.  I’ve waiting a long time to be called Mommy, to have those little hands raise to me when they need comfort or to have those special times at night when only I can get them to sleep.  I know God is in control, but I am here day in and day out and I fear the loss of them.

I have also found the system to be sad, which adds a whole other layer of fear and concern.  I won’t dwell on this…for now.

“If only for a time” is something I repeat in my head often.  If only for a time, I’ll show them love.  If only for a time, I’ll show them a family.  If only for a time, I’ll show them God.  If only for a time…

A Long Journey!


This is one of the hardest posts I’ve shared.  It is scary to put this out there, but I feel as though God is calling me to share our story.  

We are so excited (and a little nervous) to announce the journey we are to embark on!  Foster care!  In order for us to explain how we got here, we wanted to explain the path that has lead us to this very point.  Please bare with me as I did my best to keep this as to the point as possible.  With that being said, we ask that if you have questions please come directly to us and we will be happy to discuss this.  

Matt and I have been married for 4 years and as you know we have two wonderful children, Boston and Tyler.  My life goal has always been being a mother, I quit my job right as Matt and I got married hoping to grow our family right away.  Due to having PCOS I knew it would be a struggle but a specialist assured me they could get me pregnant. After 5 rounds of insemination and hormone therapy I wasn’t pregnant. So we decided to start looking at alternatives after round 3.  We came across snowflake adoption.  Snowflake adoption (aka embryo adoption) instantly settled with Matt, it took me longer.  I wasn’t ready to give up.  Upon looking into this we found out that there were over 600,000 embryos frozen in the US and that there were hundreds of thousands up for adoption.  At this point we decided to forgo doing IVF ourselves, fearing we might end up with more embryos than we could give life to, and decided to adopt.  

We went through home-studies, education, family profiles and finally we went to the matching phase.  Once we got there, we were told that there were some complications (more than I need to bore you with), and that there were no embryos for us to adopt currently.  So we waited.  8 months later I began to question God and if this path was the right one.  After a lot of pep talks from my sweet husband, we decided to stay the course. We later found out we could maneuver around some hurdles and we finally got a match.  Unfortunately it didn’t feel right, I was crushed, I wanted to say yes to this family so bad, but had a strong feeling God wanted something different.  So we said no.  Less than a week later, we got a match and I can’t tell you how amazing it felt, Matt and I both cried tears of joy!  We finally had our 6 snowflakes and they were waiting for us!  We moved forward.  A few weeks later we got news that my fertility clinic would not transfer the embryos due to some FDA requirements.  So I began looking at other options in Colorado.  No one would take them in Colorado.  So we thought this might be the end.  Then God opened a door and we found an amazing clinic in Tennessee. Matt happens to work for a company in Nashville and travels there every 6 weeks or so.  In the end his company paid to get Matt there a paid for our hotel, praise God!  We were so blessed by this clinic.  We were able to work with a wonderful Christian doctor who had devoted his practice to giving these babies the chance at life they deserve!

We are so saddened that I was not able to have a successful pregnancy and we have miscarried all 6 of our babies.  I cannot tell you the pain that comes from losing these little ones.  I am not sure I will ever be whole until I meet them and hold them when I get to heaven.  I will always have questions as to why God lead us down this path and why I wasn’t able to fulfil this passion to be a mother to living babies that I know God has laid on my heart since I was a little girl.  But we know that God’s timing and plan is perfect.  I am grateful for the time I was able to carry them in my body and grateful that these sweet, precious snowflakes that made me a mom, just as I had always hoped.  Jeremiah 29:11 says  “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  We have cried over this verse so many times as it really seems to bring comfort!

Immediately following our last miscarriage I told Matt I was done fighting.  That my heart hurt and I couldn’t bear to do anymore with this situation.  Boy, was I wrong!  God started working on my heart in a way I can’t explain.  I felt a real calling to look into foster care.  Matt on the other hand was less than thrilled with this idea.  He said he would go with me to the initial meeting, which was happening the following week.  On our way home he said we could start the process, but there were no promises if we would do it.  Honestly, I think we both thought it would fizzle out.  Well,  here we are 10 weeks later, we have completed our training and are scheduled for our first homestudy and currently remodeling a room for the little ones God is planning to bring into our home.  About week 6 of our training Matt and I were headed home and we both cried because it truly feels like God has us exactly where he wants us.  

We want to honor our babies who are no longer with us.  In doing so we are trying to be more open about what we have been through. This has been a long, hard and emotional road.  There is no one I would rather do this with then the 3 precious gifts God gave me 4 years ago.  We know this is going to be a struggle and feel impossible at times, but we are following God’s voice.  We ask for your prayers as we prepare for this journey.  Specifically we ask that you pray for us to be a blessing to these kids, and we ask that you pray that our hearts are prepared.

In Matt’s words we are doing foster care “In service of He who has called us, and in memory of the ones we lost”.  Our hope is to honor our 6 babies by doing foster care.  

Fostering in love for their today, trusting in God for their tomorrow.