I felt like I had this whole thing figured out. I knew what I signed up for, I knew how hard this would feel. I thought I could do it, and most days I can, yesterday I couldn’t. My heart felt like it was in a million pieces.
I did one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, I walked away from a screaming child who was calling me with outstretched arms as a caseworker took him back for a visit. I waited until I was in the car and then cried like a baby. I went back an hour later to find that same child who seemed a little different. He was back to himself by the time we had a nap, but my heart was still hurting even though this little one seemed to feel better.
Yesterday I cried because I feel like this system is fighting for the wrong side, I cried because I feel like the people who are supposed to be on the child’s side are not, I cried because I fear I am going to lose these babies just like I lost the six I carried, I cried because I feel like God has abandoned me to handle this, I feel hurt that I wasn’t able to have my own children so I wouldn’t have to walk this path, I cried because I love these children. Yesterday was a HARD day, a day I told my husband I can’t do this, a day I thought I’ll just never be a mother.
Well I got a good night sleep, a sweet “morning” when I went in to get the littles up, a big hug, kiss and a “love you”. Those things melt my heart and help me get through this. In the light of morning, I know God is here, He usually feels far when He is working. I know the system is broken and not fighting for the children, but in the light of day I know I will fight for them! I still fear the situations these children might return to. I don’t know if I’ll ever be a mother. I don’t know if I can keep doing this but, I will try hard today to give these children the things they need for the time I have them.
I know that I only have a little time with these children, but they will forever be mine.
Foster Care is HARD!